


You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety

by MsMarzili



Series: You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Catholicism, Feels, Fix-It, It Gets Better, M/M, Phil Coulson lives, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, positive church
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-28 04:51:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13264065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMarzili/pseuds/MsMarzili
Summary: „I don’t know. I’m compromised, not functional. Need fixing.“„What needs fixing?“„Everything.“------------------------You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety - Job 11:18------------------------





	1. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to read a paper about Irish immigrants in NYC and this happened...

"Do you know who I am?"

"Phillip J. Coulson. Born July 8th 1964. Current director of SHIELD."

"Do you know who you are?"

„I don’t know."

"How do we call you?"

"I don’t know."

"Do you know how you got here?"

"I followed your agents, called the Avengers. They were fighting HYDRA officials. They were loosing the fight, I helped. I got injured and let myself get captured."

"Are you here to hurt anyone? Are you here on a mission?"

"No missions. Not ready to take on new mission, last mission has not been deleted yet."

"Do you want it to be deleted?"

"No."

"Why did you let yourself get captured?"

"I don’t know. I’m compromised, not functional. Need fixing."

"What needs fixing?"

"Everything."

Phil Coulson gets up from the chair next to he hospital bed and calmly looks down on the battered and pale man. The Winter Soldier. Sergeant James Barnes. Bucky. "We will start with your arm. If you need anything, just say the word. You are monitored 24/7."

The man in the hospital bed closes his blank eyes and turns his head away.

 

 ---------------

 

“You were operated since the last time we talked.”

“Yes.”

“Did Doctor Cho explain everything to you?”

“Yes.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Arm is gone. No pain.”

“Do you know who you are?”

“No.”

“Wish to elaborate on that?”

“Handler call me The Asset. Intelligence Agencies call me The Winter Soldier. I am living in the body of James Barnes. I don’t know who I am.”

“Are you James Barnes?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why did you follow the Avengers?”

“The Avengers were fighting HYDRA. I had no orders, unsure about engaging. Decided to follow, while waiting for orders.”

“Do you want to receive orders from HYDRA.”

“No. I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?”

“The Asset belongs to HYDRA. HYDRA takes care of the Asset. HYDRA hurts me.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“He doesn’t seem dangerous.” Says Doctor Cho and looks around the round table, “He seems tired and battered. Frightened.”

Phil Coulson turns the pages of the file Dr. Cho gave him, even though he only understands a fraction of it, “He has been with HYDRA for decades, their programming can’t just disappear.”

Dr. Cho straightens her back, “But it is, his programming is disappearing. The human mind is a beautiful and resilient thing. HYDRA kept him under ice most of the time, the wiped his memory after every mission. They did that because he starts to fight his programming, if left awake for too long. That’s what is happening right now. But I’m sure Dr. Rivaz can elaborate on that.”

SHIELD head psychiatrist, Dr. Alma Rivaz, gives Cho a nod, “The patient really does begin to loose the programming, he has for a while now. That’s what caused him to rescue Captain America from Potomac River and what caused him to leave and hide instead of going back to his handlers. Since then his mind, his abilities to make decisions, only got stronger. However, there is a long way to go. There are still certain words and phrases that can command him to follow every order. His memory has only improved by a little, he starts to remember smells and sounds, but he can’t name any of it yet.”

Coulson muses over the information for a few seconds and then asks, “Can we let Captain America visit him?”

Dr. Rivaz shakes her head, “I wouldn’t. When Steve Rogers is brought up in conversations the patient seems curious and he wants to know more. But when Captain Rogers stays the topic of conversation for too long he gets agitated. The patient knows that Rogers is important to him. He wants to remember Rogers, but he can’t. That frustrates him. Plus, you remain the only male he tolerates in his room.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Dr. Cho informed me about a surgery she wants to do.”

“She wants to cut open my brain.”

“Do you know why?”

“There is something in my brain. A chip. It sends impulses to various parts of my brain. The chip prevents me to regain more of my memory.”

“Yes. And those phrases that make you follow orders. The chip probably also prevents that those phrases loose their meaning.”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to do the surgery.”

“No. But I need fixing.”

“You will let them do the surgery then?”

“Yes.”

 

 ---------------

 

“How dangerous is that?”

“We will have to put him under heavy anesthesia. Not only because it’s a serious surgery, but also because the patient burns through the anesthesia much faster.” Dr. Cho’s voice is calm, like she is talking to a frightened child.

“Is it dangerous?”

“Yes it is. We informed the patient about the surgery and the consequences, he wants to go through with it.”

“Could he die? Does he know he could die?”

Dr. Cho shoots a look to Dr. Rivaz and lets her handle that question, “His wish to regain his memories is stronger than his will to live without them.”

Dr. Rivaz takes Steve’s hand in hers and squeezes it gently, “Captain Rogers, he needs to know who he is. He needs to remember.”

Steve closes his eyes, his faces frozen in a painful grimace, “Where do I have to sign?”

 

 ---------------

 

“Welcome back. How do you feel?”

“Good.”

“I haven’t come by in two weeks. Your doctors wouldn’t let me in before you recovered from the surgery.”

“You can call me James now. Not Bucky. But I can be James.”

“Thank you for telling me that, James. Dr. Rivaz told me, the phrases lost their meaning.”

“No, they did not. But I can fight them now.”

“That is very good news James. And you also remembered more about your time with HYDRA, you remembered more missions.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“That’s okay.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“You don’t need to, James.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Although the surgery was more than successful we seem to come to cross another bridge. James is starting to experience panic attacks and night terrors.”

“Allow me to cut in.” interrupts Dr. Rivaz, shooting an apologetic glance to Dr. Cho, “That’s not a bad thing, it’s a furthers step in James’ recovery. He is remembering. As of now he only seems to regain memories from HYDRA. Given the brutal nature of his time with HYDRA, it’s sadly no surprise that he experiences severe anxiety. Agent Coulson, every session is caught on tape. James allowed you to watch these tapes. It is horrifying.”

 

\---------------

 

“You want to put him on antidepressants?” the painful expression on Steve’s face just doesn’t seem to leave.

“James is working very hard on his recovery. He wants to get better, but in order to do that he needs help. The antidepressants will help.”

“They make him get better?”

“They will help him get better.” Dr. Rivaz looks over Steve’s face. He looks dead on his feet, “Captain Rogers. There are wonderful people in my department, maybe you will let me make an appointment for you. Just to talk over things.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“He stopped talking.”

“Do you know why?” asks Coulson.

Dr. Rivaz shakes her head, “No. A weeks ago the remembered a few things from his early days with HYDRA. While talking through it he experienced a few minor anxiety attacks, but he was willing to work with me. Two days ago he suddenly stopped talking.”

“At first we suspected a medical reason.” Cuts Dr. Cho in, “We did some test, couldn’t find anything though. Last night James had a severe nightmare, he shouted his voice hoarse. His voice is obviously intact. Something psychological made him stopped talking.”

“Let’s wait a few more days. Maybe he just needs some time.”

 

 ---------------

 

“Good morning James.”

\--

“Dr. Rivaz told me you enjoy ‘Eragon’.”. Let me read to you.”

 

 ---------------

 

“Good evening James. Let’s find about how the story continues.”

 

 ---------------

 

“ Good evening James. We are nearly finished with this one. Luckily there is more.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Sé do bheatha, a Mhuire, atá lán de ghrásta, tá an Tiarna leat. Is beannaithe thú idir na mná agus is beannaithe toradh do bhroinne, Íosa. A Naomh-Mhuire, a Mháthair Dé, guigh orainn na peacaigh,anois agus ar uair ár mbáis. áiméin.  
Sé do bheatha, a Mhuire, atá lán de ghrásta, tá an Tiarna leat. Is beannaithe thú idir na mná agus is beannaithe toradh do bhroinne, Íosa. A Naomh-Mhuire, a Mháthair Dé, guigh orainn na peacaigh,anois agus ar uair ár mbáis. áiméin.  
Sé do bheatha, a Mhuire, atá lán de ghrásta, tá an Tiarna leat. Is beannaithe thú idir na mná agus is beannaithe toradh do bhroinne, Íosa. A Naomh-Mhuire, a Mháthair Dé, guigh orainn na peacaigh,anois agus ar uair ár mbáis. áiméin.” 

“James?”

“Sé do bheatha, a Mhuire, atá lán de ghrásta, tá an Tiarna leat. Is beannaithe thú idir na mná agus is beannaithe toradh do bhroinne, Íosa. A Naomh-Mhuire, a Mháthair Dé, guigh orainn na peacaigh,anois agus ar uair ár mbáis. áiméin.“

 

\--------------- 

 

“At least his talking again.” Dr. Rivaz shrugs helplessly.

“What is he saying?”

“We don’t know. He is murmuring, so faint and so fast, it’s hard to catch something. It’s not English or Russian.”

 

 ---------------

 

“That’s gaellic.” Steve can’t look away from the window. This is the first time they let him see Bucky. James. The man in the bed doesn't look like a Bucky. He doesn't even look like a James. He is pale with sunk in eyes and clean shaven head. He looks sick.

“What is he saying?”

“The Hail Mary.”

“He believes in God?” asks Dr. Rivaz, looking intrigued.

“We are catholic.”

“Is his faith very important to him?”

“It used to be.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Are you sure about this, Dr. Rivaz?” asks Coulson, “You are suggesting to bring in a civilian. You need to be very sure about this.”

“James didn’t talk for three weeks. Four days ago he started to recite a prayer in every awake second. He doesn’t respond to us. Maybe this will help.”

“What about Captain Rogers?”

“It’s too big of a risk. If this doesn’t work we can try bringing in Captain Rogers.”

Coulson sighs, “Alright. What do you have?”

“Sam Wilson put me in contact with various religious counselors the VA already works with. We found suitable person, a nun from a convent in Brooklyn. Before she entered the convent she studied psychology and theology, now she mostly works with sexual abuse victims in various hospitals. And she speaks Irish Gaelic.”

“James speaks Gaelic?”

“Not conversationally. Only prayers, pet names and such.”

“Have her sign an non-disclosure agreement. And I want to meet her before she sees James.”

 

\---------------

 

“Good evening James.”

\--

“You met Sister Ann this morning.”

\--

“I have to say, she is not what I imagined. A very thoughtful and nice lady. Much bubblier than I imagined a nun.”

 

\--------------- 

  

“Steve, I’m happy to introduce Sister Ann to you. She already met with James three times.” Coulson starts to put his hand on Sister Ann’s shoulder to guide her to Steve, but quickly retreats his hand again. Unsure, if he is allowed to touch a nun.

Steve smiles. It’s a small one, but probably the first one Coulson sees on him in weeks, “Sister.”

“Captain Rogers. It is a delight to meet you.” Sister Ann’s face breaks out in a happy smile, her Irish accents thick on her tongue. The sound painfully reminds Steve of his own mother.

“Does he talk to you?”

She shakes her head and gently takes Steve’s hands, “Sadly no. But that's alright, he will communicate when he needs to.”

Steve lowers his eyes, his grip on Sister Ann strengthens, “Is he better?”

“James had a hard life, harder than most of us could ever imagine. He seems like a very sweet boy, he will want to get better.”

“Thank you Sister.”

“Steve, would you like to visit me in church someday? Maybe attend mass with me?”

“I can’t.” Steve’s voice is heavy. His expression a mixture of sorrow and shame.

“That’s fine, Steve.” Says Sister Ann gently, “You will know when you're ready.”

 

\---------------

 

“Both Dr. Rivaz and Sister Ann are very happy with you James.”

James nods.

“I am too, James. We are all very proud with you.”

James nods.

 

\--------------- 

 

“Why did God let this happen to me?”

Sister Ann swallows down a gasp, trying not to show a reaction to hearing James say something else than a prayer for the first time, “I don’t know, A leanbh. I don’t always understand God either. But I trust that he has a plan for you. That everything will work out in the end.”

 

\--------------- 

  

“He asked after Captain Rogers today.”

“Is that the first thing he said to you?”

Dr. Rivaz nods, “He wanted to know if Captain Rogers still goes on missions at the moment. He wanted to know if he is safe.”

“What did you tell him?”

“The truth. That he is staying in New York at the moment.”

 

\--------------- 

  

“Good morning James. How are you feeling today?”

“Good.”

“I was very happy when Dr. Rivaz and Sister Ann informed me that you are talking.”

“Yes.”

 

 ---------------

 

“Where is Stevie? Please, I need to see Stevie!”

“You were having a nightmare, James. You need to calm down.”

“Please. It’s cold. He is sick. He is always sick in the winter, his lungs are too weak for the cold. Please, take me to Stevie. I need to take him to the hospital.”

“It’s okay James. We already took Steve to the hospital, the doctors are helping him now.”

“He is in the hospital? He is getting medicine? The good medicine?”

“Yes James. Bucky. He is getting the good medicine. Sleep now.”

 

\---------------

 

“He is getting better, Agent Coulson. He is willing to talk about his memories with me again. It seems like he is remembering his youth and childhood. James also seems to like Sister Ann a lot, he tells her about his nightmares. He smiles when she tells him jokes. He also expressed a wish to meet a priest. He wants to confess.”

 

\--------------- 

  

“Sister, do you think God made me live through all this so than I can meet Steve again?”

“Maybe. Do you think that’s the reason?”

“I don’t know.” James turns his head to look out of the window again.

 

\--------------- 

 

“Steve, I didn’t expect to see you in mass today.”

“Me neither, Sister Ann.”

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

Steve shuffles his feet, “I don’t have much time.”

“Of course not. Come on.”

 

\---------------

  

“I managed to document the time-line of what happened to James. There are still some blank spots though. Do you think you can try get more information about these points? I highlighted them in the file.”

“My job it to help James and not to complete your documentation.” Dr. Rivaz gaze is frightening, like a strict teacher.

 

\--------------- 

 

“I won’t allow that.”

“Steve, you need to be reasonable.”

“No! Agent Coulson, Phil. You can't put him on trial. He is a victim.”

“And he will be recognized as such. In court. Steve, please, you need to understand. How else could James ever live a free life?”

 

\---------------

 

“I think God wants me to meet Steve again. That’s why I had to wait this long. Because Steve was in the ice.”

“That is a nice thought James.”

“Steve always was the best thing in my life. I’m blessed to have him in my life. Bucky and Steve. Till the end of the line.” James smiles.

 

\---------------

  

“James is ready to meet Captain Rogers.”

“Already?”

 

\--------------- 

  

They look at each other through the glass, unsure of what to say. Steve can’t tear his eyes away from Bucky. He looks good, his hair grew back after the brain surgery and reaches his chin now. One sleeve is still pinned up neatly.

“You look like shit Stevie. Are you eating?”

Steve wanted to be strong for James. James needs him to be strong. But hearing his voice, even teasing him, is too much. Staying strong is not going to happen today. Steve puts his hands on the glass to support himself. He chokes, “I missed you so much!”

James smiles and lays his hand against Steve’s, only the glass separating them, “I missed you too Stevie.”


	2. two

Everyone knows about James Barnes now. They know about him surviving. They know about him getting captured by HYDRA. They know about him escaping. They know about the upcoming trial.

 

\---------------

 

James still has anxiety attacks and nightmares. He still has daily therapy sessions with Dr. Rivaz. He still talks to Sister Ann three times a week. Father Maxime still visits him every Sunday afternoon. Dr. Rivaz makes James and Steve go to joint counseling.

He moved into Steve’s apartment in Stark Tower. He has his own bedroom. It’s bright and airy, with big windows. He can close the windows with bulletproof blinds. His bedroom is comfortable and safe. He filled it with books. He needs to know what he missed. He needs to know what really happened in the world, not just the HYDRA version.

 

\--------------- 

 

“Don’t go!”

Steve tries to hide the sorrow in his face, but doesn’t manage to, “These people are in danger. I need to go with the Avengers. We need to keep them safe.”

“Who keeps you safe? Please, Steve! Don’t go. You’re safe here. You’re not out there.” pleads James. His hand gripping Steve’s uniform, to keep Steve from moving but also to keep his hand from shaking.

“Calm down James. I’m here. I’m safe.”

James draws in a gulp of breath and presses his forehead against Steve’s chest, “No you’re not. You’re not safe. Please Stevie, please.” James heart is racing, he can hear his blood rushing. It’s too loud to hear Steve's reassuring word.

 

\--------------- 

 

“Do you really think this is the best course of action, Steve?” asks Coulson.

“Yes. He panics every times he sees me in uniform or carrying a gun. I don’t want any weaponry in the apartment, I will only do missions within two hours of New York and I will change into uniform on the jet. And I don’t want any of the Avengers entering my apartment. James needs to feel safe.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Pepper, what are you doing here?”

“Steve, it’s good to see you.” Pepper flashes a bright smile and holds up several clothing bags, “I brought some outfit options for James. For the hearing.”

Steve rubs his forehead, “Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.”

“No worries. I can leave the bags here and you guys can look through it yourselves. Or I could also stay, of course. Whatever suits you better.”

Steve looks unsure, Pepper brought a lot of clothes, “I’m not sure James is ready to meet new people yet.”

James chose that moment to appear next to Steve, his smile dashing, “Please apologize him. He isn’t always this rude. Come on in, Miss Pepper. So, you’re Stark’s lady friend?”

 

\--------------- 

 

Dr. Rivaz is sitting in Steve’s and James’ living room, “You are allowed to leave the tower, James. Just not alone.”

“I want to accompany Sister Ann to church. Not to Sunday mass, that's too many people. But I want to pray in a church.”

 

\---------------

  

The first hearing goes well. It’s not public. Only representatives from the white house, SHIELD, NATO and UN are present. They are prepared, they read through all the files SHIELD procured from HYDRA.

 

\--------------- 

 

“Are you mad about me not sleeping in your bedroom?”

“No James. Never! You waited for me when I wasn’t ready. Now I’ll wait for you.”

“And if you have to wait forever?"

“Then I will. Happily”

 

\--------------- 

  

“Sister Ann, Steve and I will come to Vesper tomorrow.”

“That is wonderful news, A leanbh I will make sure Father Maxime expects you.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Is he going to become an Avenger?”

Steve shakes his head to Wanda’s question, “No. He still panics every time he sees me carrying a weapon. He is not ready to shooting one, if he will ever be.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Can you get me more books Dr. Rivaz?”

“Of course James. What kind of books?”

“I’m interested in more information about China’s role in the cold war. And I’d like to learn more about mathematical analysis. And I’d like to read ‘to kill a mockingbird’.”

 

\---------------

 

“Mr. Stark.”

“Cut the Mister, Barnes.”

“Stark. I wanted to thank for helping with my new arm. I wanted to thank you before the surgery.”

“It was a challenge. I enjoy challenges.”

“I am also very sorry about your parents. I can’t express my sorrow. I liked your father.”

“That’s one of us.”

 

\---------------

 

“Captain Roger, what is your stance on the Winter Soldier trial?”

“James Barnes is a war hero. He needs to be acknowledged as such. Whatever happens, I will proudly stand by him. If you need more information, please check in with the official SHIELD press department.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Do you remember when we went to Coney Island?”

“Which time?”

“When we took Becky and Liam, about a month before their wedding?”

“I do. That was a blast. We went to that jazz concert and we stayed really late.”

“You just sold your first comic. We thought we were so loaded.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Look at my new arm Stevie! Isn’t it neat?” James holds up his prosthetic with his good arm. It looks good. Very futuristic, with much less weight that his old one. After all, it’s just an arm, not a weapon.

“You’re not supposed to move yet. Jesus, please hold still!”

 

\--------------- 

 

Sam puts a beer in front of Steve, “How are you holding up, buddy?”

“It’s a rollercoaster. I’m so happy to have him here. But it’s horrible to see him suffer, sometimes he can’t leave his bed for days.” Steve shrugs, “But it doesn't matter how bad it gets, I wouldn't have it any other way.”

“These things take time, but it will get better. Trust me.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“I know that the catholic church officially doesn’t condone same-sex relations, father. It hasn’t when I was young and it doesn’t now.”

“I am employed by the church, which is run by men. But my calling is to speak God’s word. What does God tell you, James?”

“Every step I made led me back to Steve. God wouldn’t have given me Steve’s love and blessed us if that wasn’t his plan."

 

\--------------- 

 

“Miss Romanoff when did you encounter the Winter Soldier for the first time?”

“I was five. The Winter Soldier trained me. He was a good trainer, very strict but fair and helpful. Sometimes he sneaked me sweets after our sessions.”

“When did that end?”

“After three months I broke my leg, the wound got infected and I had a high fever. The Winter Soldier brought me a blanket. He got caught. The next time I saw him I was already grown up.”

“How is coping now?”

“I don’t know. He isn’t an agent, I don’t work with him.”

 

 ---------------

 

“Please calm down James. Everything is alright, you are safe.”

“Please, please. I can’t breathe.”

“Breath with me, come on.”

“Take me out. I don’t want to go into the ice. I’m cold.”

Steve circles his arms around James and cradles him in his lap like a child, “You are in New York City, in our apartment. You are in your bed. I’m here, love. I will keep you warm.”

 

\--------------- 

  

“James, how is physical therapy going?”

“Good. Thank you for asking, Agent Coulson.”

“You can already use your prosthetic arm in your daily life?”

“Yes sir. But I often use too much force, or not enough. I’m constantly braking dishes.”

 

 ---------------

 

“This for me?”

“I know a StarkPad can’t do as much as Steve’s big computer. But I thought you might like having your own device.”

“Aww Pepper. That is so nice of you. Thank you!”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Wow. This smells great.”

“Thank you Sam. I only broke one pot and one plate cooking this.”

“He always was good in the kitchen.”

“You should let him teach you, I’ve never met someone as useless as you, Cap.” Sam grins when he sees James preening proudly, only to receive a kick to his shin from Steve.

“Don’t be mad, Stevie. You can’t be perfect at everything.” James takes Steve’s hand in his, “I cooked. You bless the table.”

 

\--------------

 

“I present you evidence #57. The log from the year 1998 proves that the Winter Soldier was only awake for accumulated 10 days. In said year he was sent on three missions. Between those missions he was kept in cyrostasis. The logs state that after every mission his memory was successfully erased.”

 

\---------------

  

“Steve. Stevie. Wake up. Come on sugar, open those eyes.”

“What? Bucky? You are dead!”

“I’m not. I’m here. You had a nightmare. Everything is fine.”

“You fell. Oh my God, Bucky. You fell from that train. You died.”

“No sweetheart. I didn’t. I was waiting, for you to be ready to meet me.”

“Oh my God! I was so alone, Bucky. So alone.”

“Not anymore, Stevie. Come on sugar, move over. I’ll stay with you tonight.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“A leanbh, you fixed the door! You are such an angel.”

“I was happy to help, sister. Anytime.”

“You are blessing, James. I’m about to go to a bible study. Would you like to join? There’s going to be cake.”

 

\---------------

 

“I’m having more nightmares. It’s like there is always an anxiety attack waiting around the corner.”

Dr. Rivaz knits her brows and takes in Bucky pale complexion, “You are waiting for the courts decision. It’s absolutely understandable that you are having a hard time. If you agree, I would like to temporarily increase your medication.”

 

\---------------

 

“Can I stay with you again?”

“Of course.”

“Can I kiss you Stevie?”

“Of course.”

 

\---------------

  

“The jury reviewed your case Mister Barnes. The jury decided to acknowledge your status as a prisoner of war. You are free to go and live your life as you wish.”

 


	3. three

“Coulson talked to me today.”

Bucky grins and flicks a french fry at Steve, “Wow, Stevie. Such an exciting day you had, please tell me more.”

“Stop being cheeky Buck. He wants you to join SHIELD.”

“Me? I haven’t fired a weapon since forever?”

“Well, it’s your choice. You don’t have an obligation to anyone.”

“Do you want me to join?”

“I don’t care what you do. You want to become a SHIELD agent, I’ll support you. You want to work at the church every day of the week, I’ll support you. I love you no matter what.” Steve takes Bucky hand in his and squeezes. The prosthetic is cool and soothing against his skin.

 

\--------------- 

  

“How are you feeling today, Captain Rogers.”

“I’m good. Just finished a two-day mission. I’m glad to be back in town.”

“Was that you first time being away for that long?”

“Yes Doctor.”

“You joined James’ in his therapy session with Dr. Rivaz to talk it through?”

“Yes. Bucky hadn’t had a panic attach because of my work in three months now. As long as I don’t bring any weapons or uniforms into our apartment he is ok. He was also fine with me leaving overnight.”

“How did you feel about leaving him for one night?”

“I was beyond worried. But as soon as I stepped of the plane I had to push it aside. In the field my first and only concern is the safety and survival of civilians and my team.”

“And James handled it well?”

“Yes. He ended up staying in the Convent’s guest room though.”

 

\---------------

 

“Pizza tonight. You in Capsicle?” calls Tony and runs after Steve.

“Yeah sure. Is there an occasion?”

“Widow here is back in town. Alive and stuff. That calls for a celebration.”

Natasha catches up to them. The looks she shoots Tony similar to someone looking at a dirty child, “Just because you always get injured, doesn’t mean I do too. I’m actually good at my job.”

“Shut it Nat. Or you wont get the good pizza slices. Right Cap?”

“Steve likes me. He will sneak me the good slices.”

“Traitor. Cap, you bringing Robocop?”

“I’ll ask him, probably not.”

“You can’t hide him forever Steve.” Natasha’s voice is a mixture of annoyance and worry.

“I’m not. He’s just not comfortable seeing you guys yet. It took us this long for him to be fine with me being an active field agent, I don’t want to push him.”

“Not comfortable with us? You do realize that Barnes isn’t a cuddly kitten? He actually is one of the worst assassins in human history.”

Steve grinds his teeth, he can’t start a fight, not again. Bucky would be mad, “America and the world absolved him of the Winter Soldier’s crimes, you should too.”

  

\---------------

 

“Grant died ten years ago.”

“What are you talking about Buck?”

“Grant. Our only nephew, the one named after you. Becky’s son.”

“I didn’t know you were looking for them.”

“Well, the Internet is a great thing. Liam and Becky died too. But Grant left a wife and two kids. We go a great-niece and a great-nephew, Stevie. And you won’t believe it, Breena, Grant’s wife is Irish. Like really Irish, born and raised in Dublin. We just can't escape our ancestors, can we?"”

 

\---------------

 

“Wow, I can’t believe that I haven’t tried that yet. This is delicious.”

Pepper pushes another sushi roll to Bucky, “I will introduce you to all the great culinary things in our time. You are welcome.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“I brought soup, love.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You haven’t had anything all day. Just eat a little bit.”

“I’m sorry Steve.” Bucky draws his blanket up to cover his face.

“You don’t have to be. We all have bad days, you just have them a little bit more often. But it will pass.”

“You shouldn’t be saddled with me. You shouldn’t be with someone who stays in bed all day.”

Steve slips next to Bucky under the covers and pulls his body flush to his, “I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. We will get through this, Buck.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Thanks Barnes. You were a big help.”

“No worries Sam. I was bored anyways. Might as well put my fancy new arm to good use and carry all these drinks in. See it as a thank you for letting me hang-out here.”

“Do you even know what you just set up?”

“Uhm. No, not really.”

“We’re having a little get together. There are a couple of new people coming to the VA regularly, this is for them to get to know the people in a different setting than group therapy.”

“So there are all soldiers who’re coming?”

“Yeah. Army, marines, all sorts. Do you want to stay?”

“Maybe next time.”

 

\---------------

 

"Stevie, do you remember our wedding?"

"The one two days before you left for basic?"

"Yes, that one. As opposed to all the other times we got married."

Steve breaks out in laughter, "Of course I remember. I never stopped honoring those vows."

 

\--------------- 

  

“Captain Rogers, it’s nice to see you at Sunday mass again.”

“Please call me Steve, Father.”

“With pleasure, Steve. Where did you leave your fella?”

“Just over there. Talking to some people from his bible study.”

“He is such a good boy. So brave and so strong. You must be proud.”

Steve looks to Bucky. He is standing in a small group of people, laughing, “Very much so, Father.”

“Well. Have a good week. May God be with you. Don’t be a stranger.”

 

\---------------

 

“What is James Barnes currently doing, Captain Rogers?”

“Please remember that this press conference is about the mission in Nevada.”

“Captain, the public is entitled to know about Barnes.”

“No. The public is not entitled to know about the private business of civilians.”

 

\---------------

 

“Did you think about Agent Coulson’s proposal?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“What do you think, Dr. Rivaz? Do you think I could be an agent?”

“I think you can be whatever you want to be.”

 

\---------------

 

“I was supposed to go the VA today. I promised to help Sam put up the new windows.”

Steve looks up from his morning paper, “I know.”

“I can’t go.” Bucky walks around the kitchen table twice and then sits down next to Steve, “I don’t know why. But I can’t.”

“That’s fine, love. I’m sure Sam has lots of help.” Steve squints his eyes, worried, “What do you need?”

“I need to go to church. Laudes starts in half an hour. I can make it.”

“I can drive you. If you want.”

Bucky exhales and presses a dry kiss on Steve’s lips, “I swear, I couldn’t go through life without you, sweetheart.”

 

\---------------  

 

Natasha was waiting in front of the door when he opened it. She looks just like he remembered her. Hair, red like fire. Her eyes fierce. Armed to the teeth.

“Where is Rogers? I need to talk to him.”

“He isn’t here, sorry. He took out his bike a few hours ago, he does that when he is having a bad day.” Bucky can feel his throat tightening.

“I called him, he isn’t answering.”

Bucky shoves his hands into his pockets, “He won’t answer his phone when he is in a mood. He carries his emergency pager, like you all do. Try that.”

Natasha’s eyes bore into his, her whole body screams threat.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to be rude. But you need to leave.” He has to keep his whole body in check to hide the tremor in his body.

Bucky takes a step back and shuts the door. He immediately presses the button that Steve had installed, it closes down the whole apartment. Only Steve can get in now. Bucky gets down on his knees. Maybe prayer will hold off the panic attack.

 

\--------------- 

 

“Don’t ever show up at my home unannounced again!” Steve’s voice is tense, filled with anger.

“We work together! Sometimes I need to reach you. I know that’s a foreign concept to you.”

“No Nat. Just don’t. I have a mobile phone. I have a pager. When I’m on my bike, Friday can reach me through the speaker in my helmet.”

Bruce stops Natasha from firing something back, “Let’s all calm down. I’m sure Steve has his reasons and we all should respect his privacy.”

“I’m more interested in Robocop.” drawls Tony and leans back in his chair, “Why are you still hiding him? What is he doing all day holed up in that apartment? I heard he rejected joining SHIELD, why is that? Plus your weird bromance is weird in general.”

Steve puts down his fist, almost breaking the table, “You need to stop. Bucky has no obligation whatsoever to explain himself to you. And I don’t either.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“What are you reading?” asks Sam, while he is waiting for Steve to get ready for their running date.

“Anna Karenina.”

“In Russian?”

Bucky puts down the book, “Yes. Sam. In Russian.”

“You are such a nerd.”

“I like reading.”

“You know what you should do?” asks Sam, “You should take the SATs. You would ace them easily and then you could go to college. If you want to, I mean.”

“I could do that? Am I not too old?”

Sam laughs at that, “No one is too old to get an education. You know what, I’ll put together some options. You want to come by my office this week?”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Captain Rogers, it’s nice of you to join again.” Dr. Rivaz smiles at Bucky and Steve, “How are you two doing?”

“We are good. I am a mess. Steve sometimes is a mess too. But together we are good.”

“That is good to hear. James told me about his panic attack after seeing Miss Romanoff. How did you react to that, Captain?”

Steve rubs his clammy hands on his jeans, feeling embarrassed, “I got angry. I shouted at them for almost an hour.”

“Them?”

“The Avengers. At least, the ones who live in Stark tower.”

Bucky grabs Steve’s hand and stops him rubbing his hand red, “We are thinking about moving out of the tower. Now that I definitely decided against joining SHIELD I’m not comfortable living in such an environment anymore. But I also don’t want to run. It’s like giving up, I should face my demons.”

“It’s not always about fighting, James. Sometimes it’s just as hard to know when to move on.”

 

\---------------  

 

“This is it Steve. Are you ready?” Bucky is holding the mailbox open.

Steve smiles, an envelope in his hand, “I am. Are you?”

“Yes. Let’s find our family.”

 

\---------------

 

“Is true Steve? Are you and Bucky really moving into the neighborhood?” Sister Ann’s voice is excited.

“Yes. We signed the lease two days ago.”

“That is so exciting. Are you all set for the move, I could help?”

Steve smiles and imagines Sister Ann commanding the movers, “We don’t have much. There’s just clothes and books, Sam will help with all that.”

“And furniture, you definitely need furniture.”

“We are on it. It turns out Bucky is really particular about what he likes.”

Sister Ann sighs fondly, “That boy.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Phil told me you are not going to work for SHIELD.”

Bucky nods and tries to hold his Kebab together, “Yeah. I’m not sure what I want to do yet, but it’s definitely not working for an intelligence agency. That hero stuff, that’s all Steve. Never been me. I didn’t even sign up for the Army, I was drafted.”

“What did you wanted to do when you were younger? Before the war broke out?” asks Pepper curious.

“I don’t know. We weren’t in a position to dream big. But I always liked books and school.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“I’m going out for a ride.”

“Bad mission?”

Steve sighs, “The worst.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, I need a moment alone. I will be back for dinner.”

 

\---------------

 

“Come in, Come in.” Breena, Grants wife, ushers them into her home, “I’m so happy that you are here.”

Steve smiles shyly and clutches Bucky’s hand, who is looking as nervous as he is. Bucky even put up his long hair into a neat knot, “We are happy you invited us.”

“How could I not? You boys are family!” Breena puts the kettle on in the kitchen, “My kids, Aine and Davin are so excited about you two reaching out. But I didn’t want to overwhelm you, so I asked them not to visit too today.”

 

  **\---------------**

 

“I signed up for the SATs.” says Bucky, “That’s why I brought dessert. We have to celebrate.”

Steve eyes the cupcakes, “Is that a new thing? We celebrate before you pass?”

“Steve! Sam took me to this school counselor and we took a placement test. He says I’m gonna pass for sure. There is just a few things I haven’t read up on yet, he gave me a reading list.”

“You always were the smart one of us.”

 

\---------------

 

“How is it working?”

Bucky wiggles his fingers at Agent Coulson, “Feels comfortable. Looks very real.”

“Good.” Coulson inspects the flesh sleeve on Bucky’s prosthetic, “Now you can gallivant in public without any worries.”

 

\---------------

 

“You definitely need to read this one too. I swear, you won’t pass your SATs without this one.” Aine pulls Bucky through the library and drops several books into his arms.

Aine looks just like Becky. She has warm, intelligent eyes, a happy smile and cute freckles. Only her hair is different. Instead of Becky’s chocolate brown hair, she has Breena’s auburn waves, “Oh and this. I had three questions about this topic. Three, can you believe that? I’m so glad I don’t have to do this shit again.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Do you still feel out of place?”

Steve is sitting in his therapist’s office, he shrugs, “Most of the times I feel fine. But sometimes I wake up and I just know, it’s going to be a bad day.”

“Can you explain that feeling?”

“Like my muscles are too heavy. And the apartment is all wrong. The traffic too loud. And then I feel ungrateful, I should be happy. Mostly I am.”

“That’s not how this works, Captain. Knowing you should be happy, doesn’t make you happy. You and James are moving into your new apartment, does that excite you?”

“Yes, very much. I love being an Avenger, I love working for SHIELD but I need more of a physical barrier between my private life and my work. And I like the neighborhood, it reminds me of our old one. It’s close to a park, where I can go running. The church is just a block over. And it turns out that Breena, our nephew’s wife, lives only ten minutes away.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“We are on our way back home. 30 minutes out of New York.”

“You aren’t hurt, are you?”

“No. I’m not. No one is. Everything worked out just fine.”

“Good. I’m glad. I just had a bad feeling.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“How many books do you actually have Barnes? This is insane.” Sam is struggling to carry the boxes up the stairs and into their new apartment, “Where do you want this?”

“Office please.”

“Steve, baby, please bring me the box with the kitchen utensils. I will set it all up for you.” Breena looks out of the kitchen, ready to do some work, “And Davin, either go get the chairs from the van or stay out of the way.”

 

\---------------

  

“Where are you going to apply to?” asks Pepper.

“NYU for sure. Columbia. City College. I want to stay in New York.”

“Do you need help with tuition? I can help you apply for funds.”

Bucky waves her concerns away, “No. We are drowning in money. You know, with my compensation money, backpay and Steve’s ridiculous salary. I’m thinking about majoring in math, I like math.”

 

\---------------

  

“I’m going to the art supply store. You want to join me?”

Bucky is buried under multiple blankets in their new bed, the afternoon sun is blocked by heavy curtains, “Not today Stevie. I’m sorry.”

“No worries, love. I will bring you something from Starbucks.”

 

\--------------- 

 

“Shit shit shit!”

Bucky rushes into the living room after hearing Steve swearing, “What happened?”

“Dropped the brush. I splattered yellow paint all over it. Now I need to start again.”

Bucky smiles at Steve’s devastated face. He already drew half of a tree on the wall, which is now covered in yellow dots, “I actually like it ,Doll. The green, brown and yellow matches quite well together. Finish the tree like you planed and then we will splatter more of the yellow on it.”

“You think?”

“Only if you want to, sugar. But I think it would look cool.”

 

\---------------

 

“James is nearly ready.” Smiles Sister Ann, “He is helping Father Maxime move the furniture in the sacristy. What are you feeding that boy? He can’t stay still for a second.”

Steve grins, “That’s the thing. He feeds himself.”

“It’s nice to see you more often, Steve. I know you weren’t so keen on coming here.”

“It’s not that I don’t like coming to church.” explains Steve, “I just had trouble talking to God. With everything that happened, I lost my trust.”

“Are you still searching for God?”

“Yes.”

 

\---------------

 

“Wake up, Stevie. You’re having a nightmare. Everything is fine.”

“Shit. Did I hurt you?”

“No, you didn’t. Do you want me to get an extra blanket?”

“Yes please.”

 

\--------------- 

  

“Bam! 1480!” Bucky waves his test scores, “I’m the best.”

“Yes you are, love!” cheers Steve, “I’m so proud of you!”

 

\---------------

  

“You think they will let me study as James Rogers?”

Sam nods, “Sure. No college wants to be overrun by reporters. And if they want to be difficult, we will sic Pepper on them.”

Bucky laughs, “Yeah. Let’s not scare them.”

 

\---------------

  

“Steve? Sweetheart? What is this?”

“I made food?”

“What is this supposed to be?”

“Risotto?”

“Sugar. I love you. I really do. But please don’t ever cook again.”

 

\---------------

 

“You got a letter!”

Bucky smiles at Steve’s excitement, he looks like an excited puppy, “Who is it from?”

“NYU! Come on, open it¨”

Bucky’s smile drops instantly and he rips the envelope out of Steve’s hand, “NYU? Why didn’t you lead with that? What if I didn’t get in?”

“You won’t know if you don’t open it.”

Bucky rips open the envelope and screens the letter inside. His face blank.

“And?” Steve is watching him intently, curious, “What does it say?”

“I got in. And they will list me under James Roger, with the option to change my name if I wish too!”

Steve lets out a cheer and lifts Bucky up in the air and smothers him with kisses.

 

\---------------

  

“Aiden, these are uncle Bucky and uncle Steve.” Davin urges his two-year old son forward to meet Bucky and Steve.

Bucky smiles gently. The smile he reserves for kittens and puppies, “Hello Aiden. It’s nice to finally meet you. Your Da told us so many good things about you.”

“Hi.” mumbles Aiden shyly, half hiding behind his father’s legs.

“Your Da told us you like to draw. And that your favorite animals are dinosaurs.” says Steve with a twinkle in his eyes, “Guess what? I like to draw too, I can draw you a dinosaur comic.”

 

\---------------

  

“I had a panic attack yesterday.”

“Do you feel bad about that?” asks Dr. Rivaz.

“I hadn’t had one in a month. I thought that’s over now. I’m supposed to start college in a few weeks.”

“Recovery isn’t linear, James. You are much, much better.”

“But what if I can’t handle college?”

“Then we will cross that bridge when we come to it. There is nothing stopping you. You have an extraordinary support system. You learned how to handle your feelings. You have come such a long way.”

 

\---------------

  

“I can’t believe I’m dating a college freshman. Does that make me a creep?”

Bucky laughs, “Oh my god, Stevie! You definitely are a creep.”

“Well then. Have an awesome first day. Your creepy boyfriend will wait at home for you. You know, as long as I don’t get called away to safe the world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...more to come.  
>  (This is actually a prequel to a story I'm writing. The actual story will be posted in this series as soon as it's finished.)


End file.
